"Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional"- Max Lucade.
Conflict exists everywhere. Be it teamwork, friendship or a relationship (personal or professional). In the last two posts, we discussed about the need for effective communication and about interpersonal and intercultural communications. In this post I would use an example from my life to bring out the importance of the above, along with the need for resolving conflicts between two people to nurture a healthy relationship between the two.
Hostel was the place I always wanted to be in. As a kid I was very fascinated by the concept of a boarding school and finally I was in one at the age of 11. New environment, new people, new languages and especially sharing “my room” with somebody else because as a kid I always had that place all mine. My room-mate was Raghav. He was a there ever since he was 6 years old.
The early days with Raghav went off well but slowly as we got to know each other we started having personality “conflicts”. Raghav was an extremely on-a-strict-routine type of a guy. He belonged to the early-to-bed-early-to rise category. On the contrary, I was a nocturnal bat in my study hours.Slowly both of us started getting on each other’s nerves. I was not much of an organized person and neither was I regular at the daily chores. However, Raghav seemed to be not of this generation to me and we fought almost every day over trivial matters. He was perfect in his tasks but then his habits irritated me and mine irritated him. Our mismatched sleep and study hours made the other resentful.
Slowly things started to get worse and one of our mutual friend Abhinav decided to intervene. If you were to step into Abhinav’s shoes, what would you do?
My Hostel- Bishop Cotton School, Shimla, India
References:
1) Image- a) http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/jsi/lowres/jsin439l.jpg
b) http://himachal.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/bcs.jpg
7 comments:
Hello Saurabh!
I agree that conflicts happen all the time, be it big or small. Most conflicts resolve peacefully but some might just be chucked aside, resulting in relationships to sour.
I feel that as a mutual friend, he needs to speak to both of you together. If it does not work out, then it should be done separately. There is nothing much a mutual friend can do if both parties refuse to give in.
For you, the easy way out is to find a new roommate and move out. Since even trivial matters will cause conflicts, it is very hard to interact with one another, let alone live with each other.
Another way is that both of you have to accommodate to each others' habits. I feel that to solve the most nagging issue, one of you must be able to change your sleeping habits. If this could not even be done, the best way is to shift out to another room in my opinion.
Since he was your roommate since you were 6, certain trivial matters might have been resolved quietly. Maybe one of you unconciously changed your habits to suit the other.
I hope the habits of a roommate does not affect the full experience of staying in a hostel/boarding school. There are solutions, just whether you want to go to the extreme to solve the conflict/problem. Good luck!
Cheers,
Qinxian
Hi Saurabh, If I were Abhinav, I would probably just listen to both your complaints and encourage both of you to accept each other’s behaviour. No one have the same personality and learning to accept what each other do is the best way to keep both of you in the same room. That is what most full-time serviceman does. What’s more, we have to share the bedroom with ten or more people. So when somebody complains about the other person, I would normally listen attentively. If I have the same feelings, I would join in and express my displeasure as well. However, we soon got use to one another and would later use our behaviours to joke around.
Also, I would remind you of his good point such as being neat and tidy and say that it is an important virtue to have when you rent a room outside. If you co-operate with him by being tidy, he would not be so annoyed when you study late into the night. Now, at least there is at least some form of agreement and acceptance.
In addition, I would remind you that trying very hard to bear with him is dangerous especially when the tipping point is reached. You might lose control of your thoughts.
Lastly, I think that making small sacrifices is essential to prevent such conflicts from escalating. We cannot possibly have everything in our own way. If doing so makes our lives more easy-going, why not?
Jian Hwee
Hi Saurabh,
I kind of liked the quote you included at the top of your post. True enough, we will encounter many conflicts in our different walks of life, whether we like it or not. Then again, we also have the choice to either blow up the whole matter, or to keep things at a minimum.
Back to the scenario in your post; certainly, it’s a nasty situation to be in. It’s like I’m a mongoose living inside a cage and some random guy decides to throw a snake into the cage. When two polar opposites collide, all hell breaks loose. Therefore, it is inevitable, that conflicts would arise. (It would be a miracle if it doesn’t)
What I felt that Abhinav could do, is to try to get the involved parties to try to tolerate and respect each other’s differences. He could also try to identify any similarities between the involved two, and try to use that to bridge the relationship between the two.
Even Polar opposites have similarities, (North Pole and South Pole are both classified under ‘Poles’, right?) I’m sure that if a similar trait or habit is shared, it would be easier to relate to each other and resolve any differences.
Then again, in theory it might sound impressive, but in practice, it’s usually a million folds more difficult. So the decision still lies in the involved parties. You have to ask yourself these questions; Do I still want him as my Room-mate? Is separation the only way out now?
Cheers
Zhen Yong
Hi Saurabh,
This is a rather difficult situation, but a very common source of conflict. These are the times when “opposites attract” does not hold true.
If I were Abhinav, I would like to help both of my friends. It is also in my best interest for both of them to be friends with one another. The easiest way to go is to get rid of the problem source: separate the opposites. I will offer to exchange rooms and stay with the person who matches my daily routine. Later on, I can help reconcile the two and develop a good relationship between them.
If this is not possible, or if this will not completely resolve the problem (e.g. Abhinav’s previous roommate clashes with the friend’s daily routine), then I will do my best to let both of them understand one another by talking with both of them. I will try to explain that while it can be difficult to live with someone who lives a different lifestyle than the other, one should try to be open-minded and accept the other person’s way of life. On the other end, he should also be conscientious of his own actions as to not to interfere with the other person’s lifestyle.
With this mutual respect that I will try to develop between the two, I’m hoping that the conflict can be resolved. It might take a while, but I believe that my two friends will benefit a lot from this problem-solving experience.
Regards,
Paul
Hi Saurabh,
The way you have presented your post is nice. I agree with you that conflicts are inevitable in one’s life and conflicts if not resolved properly may lead to sour relationships and sometimes may break the relationship too. As rightly pointed out, the common problems faced when sharing a double room are mismatched sleep and study hours.
If I were Abhinav, I would probably listen to each one’s view point and would see if there is an immediate solution to the problem. If found, I would probably implement it at any cost so as to make my friends Saurabh and Raghav united. I personally feel that it is important for Saurabh and Raghav to accept other’s lifestyle. Having conflicts over trivial matters does no good to both of them. Though it is difficult to accept other’s lifestyle in one go, gradually gradually they need to change themselves by accepting other's lifestyle as it helps to have a good relationship with the friend and can prevent conflicts on trivial matters. Hopefully, conflicts between Raghav and Saurabh get resolved and they become united.
It is a pleasure to read your blog and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Regards,
Santhosh
Hi everyone,
First of all, thank you for going through the post and sharing your views with me.
This is the solution of the conflict which we had implemented-
Abhivam decided to listen to each side of the story individually. After hearing to each side’s story he came up to the two of us and made us effectively communicate with each other and suggested possible solutions like changing habits, adjustments and in the worst case scenario- changing rooms. We finally decided to solve the problem by changing out habits and by making adjustments. Raghav agreed upon helping me in cleaning the mess over the shelf and table everyday and I promised him to wake up at 5 a.m. with him and study and thereby switching off the light early every day. Like this we talked upon the issue and resolved the conflict.
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